Recently, I wrote about an astounding incident, the fajita-juice Homer Simpson, Heavenly Peace Meal that miraculously appeared on my sandwich plate after I had hastily made my way outside a chicken fajita. Although I eschewed fame by disposing of the evidence of the miracle, the little hamster-wheel in my head, which passes for a brain, just kept spinning and guess what spun out of it? No, not a little hamster.

Give up?


Of course, to make that fortune, I’m not inviting the world to my house to see a miracle or anything quite that dim-witted or scary. My hamster-wheel spins faster than that! Besides, that’s more fame than fortune anyway. No. My idea is to make a website that offers the means by which customers may be able to accomplish the promise of the website, to wit, “Make your own miracle!” This “Make your own miracle” idea could be flogged to folks, with slower turning hamster-wheels, by promising that they could make their own miracle and reap great profits therefrom. Then, they could invite people to pay a fee and see the miracles that my customers would create in their very own homes. The money would be in the selling of the miracle-making kits, not in the throngs of eager, but essentially messy visitors to “miracles” sites, visitors whose hamster-wheel brains would have to be more or less rusted into fixed positions, or at least squealing wildly in need of lubrication.

Think of it though! A few coarse stencils and dabbing sponges, a little pamphlet with sage advice on the wisdom of not making the stencil work too perfectly and maybe a stamped metal Madonna or crucifix to toss into frying pans to create the old, standby “Saint on a tortilla” miracle and voila, one sells miracle-making kits. The money just starts pouring in to Miracles R Us, or Miracle 4 U, or Mir-ack-yule-us, or My Little Miracle, or whatever the company could be called. Before long, there would be ketchup (catsup) maple leaves miraculously appearing on grilled burgers or on toasted burger buns in Canada, “Stewy” (Family Guy) football-shaped heads miraculously burned into pie crusts, NFL insignias mysteriously formed from seemingly spilled drinks on sweatshirts, number “99” appearing in beer glass condensation rings left on copies of NHL Today magazines (Wayne Gretzky’s number, for those unfamiliar with the “Great One”). Other product lines could support crescent moons, six pointed stars, etc., to be used according to one’s personal thoughts about the appropriate form for a miracle image.

Ha-ha! The world is my oyster! I ‘shell’ not want. Hey! That’s a good one. Make a miracle oyster that contains a pearl that looks exactly like a perfect, little, blue, planet Earth! The “miracle” oyster could be opened “live” on Fox TV, in a show hosted by Geraldo Rivera, who could drag the story out into about 80 minutes of advertising time and 10 minutes of actual oyster-opening time (including many slow-motion repeats of the camera zooming in for an extreme close-up of the miracle pearl as the miracle oyster is opened by the miracle shelling knife.) That could work, couldn’t it? Think of the advertising revenue that might be generated by such a show. Sponsors might include Pearl Drops tooth polish, WWE Special promotions, video game promoters, Ann Murray CD ads, Grey Power Car Insurance and jewellery store commercials, not to mention the special “miracle, Kuradorie, shelling knife” spots.

Tonight, I may have to photograph the miracle, grease-stain “Dragon” that will appear on the side of my Chinese take-out food bag, for use on my new website. Be watching for it, soon! That is, if your hamster-wheel has become dislodged from its axle, is tilted askew and has begun gathering cobwebs.

FallUN (All in fun.)