I was at my billiards club in the Seniors Centre, playing snooker alone on one table while four gents were playing competitive snooker on the other table. Two of these guys are rail thin. The other two, not so much. Anyhow, one of the thin guys suddenly starts saying, in a semi-panicky voice, “I’ve got to get something to eat! Is the cafeteria closed yet? I’ve got to get something to eat!”

I told him that as I passed the cafeteria window, I noticed that they had prepared about 50 big slices of rhubarb pie. The kitchen workers were waiting for the right moment to dollop on ice cream before serving the banquet munching away in the other room. The man rushed out of the room and shortly came back, gobbling rhubarb pie and ice cream as he walked to the back room where food is grudgingly permitted. (No food or drink is supposed to be allowed in the billiards room, in deference to preserving the cleanliness and integrity of the table surfaces.)

I remained quiet and eaves-dropped on conversation between the two thin guys.

“I hadn’t had anything but coffee today or yesterday and most of the day before! I suddenly felt jittery. I knew it was from lack of food.”

The other thin guy replied, “I know what you mean. My entire diet today and yesterday was coffee. I’ll probably have something to eat tonight though – although I don’t know what yet, I don’t have anything in the fridge.”

So their secret is out! I can write that article for magazines that publish “How to lose weight” articles every week in various magazines. Maybe I can even get the publishing company to spring for a professionally photographed close-up of a lovely female belly with a tape measure wrapped around it, showing a ridiculously thin waist measurement to further inspire weight-loss-conscious folks who’d be staring at nothing else of interest in the supermarket checkout line. The gist of my article will be, “Learn the secrets from thin experts. Become autotrophic!  Learn to live without food and you’ll lose weight!” True, you run the risk of perishing from complications of not eating in the meantime, but what is weight-loss worth to you? Stimulating coffee can get you through a lot of food deprivation until you start shaking, fainting, convulsing, experiencing vision impairment, or doing something ‘telling’ like that. Then it’s time to eat food! Rhubarb pie and ice cream would be as good as anything else at that point.

Hey now there’s a title that is sure to sell magazines! “The amazing pie and ice cream weight-loss diet!” Yes! That’ll sell magazines and endear me to their publishers. Drink coffee whenever you’re hungry and put off eating anything as long as possible. When complications arise, eat pie and ice cream as a quick antidote. Ta-da! Eat pie and ice cream and lose weight! It’s the pie and ice cream weight-loss diet!

Whaddya think? Am I on to something here?

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