Sometimes I write a note that I think is funny, thoughtful, observant, or revealing of human nature. I send it out to people who have not complained to me about receiving my “notes,” and I wait for response. I usually get a quick reply from one or two people with quips like, “Funny,” or “Thoughtful,” or even, “Keep ’em coming!” More often, I get no response at all, or “Do your notes have to be so long?” Occasionally, I get a big response. I never know what story, what issue is going to touch the nerve of my correspondents enough to motivate them sufficiently to cause them to press finger to keyboard and send me a note.
Before my most recent note, “Sordid Confessions,” (aka, “The True Confessions of Gigolo Jim”), the only note that had garnered much response was one I had written about the surprisingly small quantity of food that the hospital considered to be a “serving,” which was not the size of my fist, rather, it was the size of half a tennis ball. My fist displaces about half a litre (½ quart for Americans).
But “Sordid Confessions” also seems to have touched a nerve, and I was surprised by both the quantity of the response and the vehemence of some of my respondents. Though I have changed some of their names to protect their identities, below is a sampling of replies.
From Heather A: Your long-winded memories of childhood experiences are patently self-serving and probably delusional. Knowing you, as I do, you probably wrote this to see if you could get another girl to “rent” your kisser for a popsicle!
From Dave C: Read your recent note, Sordid Confessions. It took me almost 20 minutes to wade through it. Please remove my name from your sending list.
From Anna L: Your recent note, “Sordid Confessions” gave me many pleasant moments of joy and the recognition of fond childhood memories. Can’t wait to read the next one!
From Marie M: How dare you tell people about that time with me under the ferns! You didn’t even bother to protect my identity, you turd!
From Tim K: I’m surprised that you are among those people who insist on perpetuating the myth that boys are naturally inclined toward action, and adventure, while girls are somehow naturally inclined toward nurturing, communications and romance. Better look closely at yourself to see how you might shed your chauvinistic attitudes.
From Craig S: Below, I have written your long, weary, four-screen essay (Sordid Confessions) the way it should have been written for today’s fast-paced world. “The two things that I remember from the summer of 1954 were that I helped to remove a dead skunk from the street, and I let a girl kiss me for a nickel.” See? That might even fit on Twitter. Get with the nineties, pal!
From Liam A: And you thought your brothers had the better deal sweating their butts off chasing after baseballs in the hot summer sun.
From Kathy C: Your ulterior motive in telling everyone about your childhood experience as a “gigolo” is patently obvious. But if you think that your story may motivate some dim-witted female to make a similar offer to you today, I must tell you that you are no longer young, nor little, nor cute. If anything, it will be you who will be doing the renting, buddy!
I’m glad to see my note prompted some response. Happy to hear from everyone!